I lied. A straight-out, bald-faced lie to my wife, whom I love more than life itself.

Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord,
But those who deal truthfully are His delight. (Proverbs 12:22)

I made myself an abomination both to the Lord and to my bride.

This was a first. In 12 years of marriage, I do not ever recall having intentionally misled her about anything. I tell her frequently that she is the most beautiful woman in the world. Actually, I think I use the words “hottest chick on the planet.” That is no lie because she is precisely that to me.

As Moses records in Genesis 2:24:

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

We have lived as one flesh – and to lie to my wife would be to deceive myself. As it turns out, that is precisely what I did.

Why would I put 12 years of trust-building and intimacy at risk through my deception?

There were reasons for taking that risk, for perpetrating that lie. No excuses, but reasons. For the curious, it was not about another woman. That will never happen.

Honestly, the reasons center around the deep love I have for her. I wanted to protect her, both from an unpleasant emotional reaction to a situation and, even more so, from making an un-Christian choice that I feared she might render. I removed the choice so she had none to make – and lied about doing so.

The Principle of the Lesser Evil

This principle implies that in circumstances in which truthfulness results in greater harm, dishonesty can sometimes present the lesser evil. We can see this in the Bible in multiple instances, such as Rahab misleading the Jericho king about hiding the Israelite spies. She is commended in the NT for her faith.

This notion was at the root of my deception. And I misapplied it.

While it may have merit in particular ethical situations, I am unconvinced that any such situations are within the context of Christian marriage. We are to be one flesh. A lie to a spouse is a lie to oneself.

How about the proverbial “I have a headache?” Or “faking it” to protect another’s ego? (much easier for the wife!) Does hiding a purchase rise to the level of deception? How are we to graciously respond to “Does it look like I’ve put on weight?”

I suspect that most relationships are subjected to dishonesty that might be considered trivial. How can we otherwise throw that surprise party?

I don’t know where the line is drawn. What I do know is that my lie was not trivial. My lie was a direct response to a question posed by my wife that I knew, if answered truthfully, would cause her immense anguish.

My lie, needless to say, surfaced. Instead of anguish – or, perhaps, in addition thereto – I caused justifiable anger and distrust. And while I so want to engage her in a rationalization of my dishonesty, it matters not. What does matter is that I confess my misdeed to her and before God – and seek forgiveness from both.

Of course, forgiveness is one thing; rebuilding trust and intimacy is another. I know in my heart that even though my deception was well-intended, it cannot and will not be repeated. And while I might selfishly wish to fast forward the timeline on the rebuilding, I must remain patient, prayerful and trusting in God. It is not about me; it is about my one flesh.